This past week, Evan went to the oncology clinic for bloodwork only. No chemo this week. The plan is to let his body rebuild a bit and rest. Then the next couple weeks he will resume aggressive treatments. His bloodwork Tuesday was perfect. The only abnormality was his WBC of 2.4, but that is "normal" for this stage of treatment.
He developed transient leg and back pain last week. These symptoms made our hearts sink since those were his presenting complaints prior to diagnosis. So, at least in my paranoid brain, that meant relapse already. A "very early relapse" would not be a good sign. However, as mentioned, his bloodwork looked great with no lymphoblasts in his peripheral blood. Dr Palmer said the pain could be related to his high dose steroids, since they tend to cause myositis and osteoarticular pain. Almost concurrently, he developed a flat-footed limp/ gait. Again, this caused extreme worry since he had that prior to diagnosis as well. However, the doctor said that gait issues are not too uncommon in this phase since Evan has been receiving serial doses of vincristine. This drug can cause tendon issues and gait disturbances that will resolve after treatment.
To say this whole journey has been stressful would be the understatement of the century. With each new symptom, each new complaint, it strikes fear in my heart and mind. To see your child suffer at all is painful, but to fear unsuccessful treatment and losing a precious soul in this realm is almost crippling. It affects every aspect of your life, it crowds almost all other thoughts out, every day. Every minute of every day. It is consuming. To say I'm doing well is a lie. I truly have no idea how those who have no faith in our Creator get through such difficult times.
Dr Palmer knows my paranoia well. He takes his time to answer emails and in-person questions. Most of them have already been asked and answered. But he still answers them with the best information he has. He is an expert in the field, backed by the best research in the field. But he offers no guarantees. Evan's chance of survival is greater than 90%, but that's not guaranteed and definitely not 100%. Even after successful treatment there are no guarantees. We will have to watch for symptoms of relapse. Each year he is symptom free after completion of the treatment offers better chances of survival and decreased risk of relapse. But as Dr Palmer told me, the chances of relapse will never be zero.
So, in times like these, I am reminded again that man is fallible. These medical experts are amazing and we have the best in the field right here in Toledo. They follow the guidelines and the protocols, interpret the data, make decisions, calm the fears if they can. But they cannot offer guarantees. I am forty-eight years old and I have yet to find an iron clad guarantee on this earth, about anything. But I have found a guarantee that is not of this world. Through Jesus' finished work and the love of our eternal Father we do have a guarantee of eternal life in a kingdom free of all the turmoil. In a world full of pain and uncertainty that is constantly changing, doesn't it sound amazing to be able to have Hope in the One who never changes?!
How hard is it to have faith, to be accepted, to rest in Him? Simple. You just have to believe. Acts 16:31 "Believe in the Lord Jesus Christ and you will be saved". It says it elsewhere in the Bible too. Just believe and rest in Him. You don't have to be perfect, I certainly am not. But I am forgiven. I am alive in Christ, forever. And so will Evan be. That fact alone brings consolation, comfort, even joy in times such as these.
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